Almost immediately after my last post about Bad Muthafuckaz, oddly enough, I spent the last 6 months dating another one. Highlights of our relationship include sex, drugs, gambling, guns, theft, violence & infidelity... *swoon* every girls dream, right? He, like the others I talked about, also had me pegged for a rather naive individual, which ultimately resulted in our relationship failing... well, that, and he decided it would be okay in the midst of our 50th breakup in 6 months to throw me around his hotel room like a ragdoll. I ended up pulling his own loaded gun on him just so he would let me leave. I might take more shit from the men I date than most people would, but putting hands on me will never be something I'll let myself live with. My mama raised me better than that, and I'm somebody's mom... my son doesn't need to see me shoot and kill somebody he saw as a Daddy figure because he wanted to establish his dominance in a violent way. I'm smarter than that. Don't get me twisted though, he never hit me, but my Mother used to tell tales of her abusive first marriage, and made sure I knew very young that it starts with something like a heated shove into a wall or slap across the face, and when you take them back because they're so, so, SO sorry, the next line they cross goes a little further than that, and so on and so on until before you know it, you're fighting for your life... and I'll never let that happen to me.
I had a lot of love for that man, but it was a toxic relationship, and it had to end. I gave it my best shot, but it didn't seem to be going anywhere good. I could throw him under the bus all day telling you everything wrong with him and everything he did to me that hurt me & was unjustifiable... but not only would that take too long, it'd be pointless. He wasn't all bad. He wasn't a monster, and I'm not totally innocent myself. I believe he did give it the best shot he knew how to, and unfortunately, it just wasn't enough to overcome all the negative stuff. I do have a hell of a lot of random, wild stories from the experience though, which I'm sure will come up in passing conversation in life and on here. I'll always try to remember the good in him & the sweet things he did for me, but I'll never forget the bad long enough to go back.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Bad Ass Muthafuckaz
So, I'm a cute blonde chick who comes across as sweet and kinda dorky, right?
However, I have been involved in countless crimes & scandals of a fairly serious nature, and learned at a really young age to use my innocent looks & demeanor as leverage when causing trouble.
I haven't done anything super intense like kidnapping or murder... but I've done enough to be considered a certifiable criminal among those I did these crimes with, and not surprisingly have done more than most people who consider themselves bad asses. Anyone else who wasn't there who may hear the stories 5-6 years down the road, generally has a hard time believing I've done such things, and usually tends to think I'm embellishing or even straight up lying. Of course, I don't press the issue, I usually let them think what they're going to think, partly because I don't particularly find value in insisting someone believe I'm a hardened criminal, and they probably shouldn't even know in the first place though reminiscing gets the best of me at times, but also because I can't prove anything I've done anyway except but to introduce them to who I did these things with, and that is unlikely to happen.
And why is it so unbelievable? Aside from the fact that I'm a pretty white girl who doesn't use hard drugs or sell her body, I was raised in a rather wealthy neighborhood and went to a high school filled with the children of millionaires. Most people who never experienced the environment would assume more money equals a cleaner and safer place for children. I've attended six high schools throughout the city, and can safely say that kids who have wealthy parents are neglected and act out as much as underprivileged kids, and a lot of the time for the same reason. Parents are making that money, and not paying their kid any attention. So this leaves kids with an allotted time for doing what they please. The only difference I've noticed between the fucked up kids of the rich and the poor is the poor kids usually got into doing dirt for the money, and the rich kids usually got into it for the power. Both tend to share the notion that being a criminal equals respect, and mostly, as fucked up as it is, they're right. Now, why did I, personally, get into it? Because I get involved with bad ass muthafuckaz over and over again, and it used to be when I liked a guy, I'd do whatever it took to be his #1.
Something about a guy who is equally as or more fucked up than I am has always been appealing to me. I'm sure a psychologist could probably explain why, but all I can say is, I've experienced enough truly horrifying and traumatizing shit in my life, staring in early childhood, that being with a man who doesn't understand consistent pain & struggle, is like being with a child as far as I'm concerned. They can't really understand anything about me or why I am the way I am.
Now the funny thing about this is this...
I have been dating since I was, I duno, 14? I'm almost 29. Thats 15 years of dating "bad boys." Now, for whatever reason, ego maybe, prejudice maybe, I'm not sure... every single one of those guys I've dated who considered themselves a bad muthafucka, seemed to think they were the first and only bad muthafucka I ever dated. I'm not sure if this is that innocent looking thing I was talking about, or because I don't live in the projects, or because I know how to spell and use a computer? I'm not sure. I don't even know if the coincidence seems that odd after totally considering it, but honestly, none of them have ever fully acknowledged my past to be as credible as their own. And even more often, when I try to explain to them that I'm not as naive as they believe I am, I come across a lot like one of those stupid rich blonde girls who throws around the word nigga when nobody is around. I dislike those kinda girls who act hood and have never done any real dirt for this reason. You are fucking up my swag.
I have done the most fucked up things that I've done because of the men I was with, and yet, every man I've been with, has thought of me as relatively naive. It's a gift and a curse. They tend not to put me on their level, which is frustrating at times, but it's also helpful sometimes for people to think you are naive and innocent, however, that's usually only if you plan to run game on them... and I don't run game on bad ass muthafuckas I've been with... unless they truly deserve it.
I respect the same values every hood-respected thug does, because I've dated enough of them to consider myself partly raised with/by them. Loyalty is a major thing for me, as is respect. This is why I don't treat the men I'm with like dogs, but after all this time, don't understand why they treat their women that way. That's the hood double standard. To be a respectable woman, you are loyal to your man, you don't ask too many questions & you ride for him. To be a respectable man, you have many women, and none of them know too much... and you always call the shots.
After leaving the bad girl lifestyle alone for awhile, I also incorporated integrity and responsibility into my values. The major negative trait I inherited by living this way as a kid that I have left and cannot seem to shake is... "eye for an eye." It is not a positive thing to live by, but has been embedded so deeply in me, I find myself automatically checking into an "eye for an eye" defensive plan whenever I feel disrespected. Black people would consider it "bringing out the nigga in a nigga"... and I fully understand that statement... but in my case it would be like bringing out the bad girl in a bad girl. It's a pride thing, and I hope every day that I leave my house that my pride doesn't become the end of me, for my son's sake... because it is more automatic than anyone without a similar upbringing would realize.
Mainly, the point of this blog was to acknowledge the reasons I date men like this, and the pros and cons of it. The cons clearly outweigh the pros, i.e. they get me into trouble, they don't consider me on their level, they are not loyal, etc... (pros are they understand me & are REALLY passionate lovers) but I cannot help who I am attracted to... at least, I don't think I can?
It's been fun though, and I've gained a lot of experience and wisdom from it, so I don't regret one second. I still loves me some bad boys... but I think moreso now I prefer the reformed bad boy who has more positively incorporated himself into society. No pimps, no hustlers these days... just the guy who can relate, and still holds on to some of the traits as I do... but also has a job and doesn't do dirt as his main source of income. Maybe someday I'll find a guy as down to ride for me as I am for him, maybe not... but the trip to him is never a dull moment.
However, I have been involved in countless crimes & scandals of a fairly serious nature, and learned at a really young age to use my innocent looks & demeanor as leverage when causing trouble.
I haven't done anything super intense like kidnapping or murder... but I've done enough to be considered a certifiable criminal among those I did these crimes with, and not surprisingly have done more than most people who consider themselves bad asses. Anyone else who wasn't there who may hear the stories 5-6 years down the road, generally has a hard time believing I've done such things, and usually tends to think I'm embellishing or even straight up lying. Of course, I don't press the issue, I usually let them think what they're going to think, partly because I don't particularly find value in insisting someone believe I'm a hardened criminal, and they probably shouldn't even know in the first place though reminiscing gets the best of me at times, but also because I can't prove anything I've done anyway except but to introduce them to who I did these things with, and that is unlikely to happen.
And why is it so unbelievable? Aside from the fact that I'm a pretty white girl who doesn't use hard drugs or sell her body, I was raised in a rather wealthy neighborhood and went to a high school filled with the children of millionaires. Most people who never experienced the environment would assume more money equals a cleaner and safer place for children. I've attended six high schools throughout the city, and can safely say that kids who have wealthy parents are neglected and act out as much as underprivileged kids, and a lot of the time for the same reason. Parents are making that money, and not paying their kid any attention. So this leaves kids with an allotted time for doing what they please. The only difference I've noticed between the fucked up kids of the rich and the poor is the poor kids usually got into doing dirt for the money, and the rich kids usually got into it for the power. Both tend to share the notion that being a criminal equals respect, and mostly, as fucked up as it is, they're right. Now, why did I, personally, get into it? Because I get involved with bad ass muthafuckaz over and over again, and it used to be when I liked a guy, I'd do whatever it took to be his #1.
Something about a guy who is equally as or more fucked up than I am has always been appealing to me. I'm sure a psychologist could probably explain why, but all I can say is, I've experienced enough truly horrifying and traumatizing shit in my life, staring in early childhood, that being with a man who doesn't understand consistent pain & struggle, is like being with a child as far as I'm concerned. They can't really understand anything about me or why I am the way I am.
Now the funny thing about this is this...
I have been dating since I was, I duno, 14? I'm almost 29. Thats 15 years of dating "bad boys." Now, for whatever reason, ego maybe, prejudice maybe, I'm not sure... every single one of those guys I've dated who considered themselves a bad muthafucka, seemed to think they were the first and only bad muthafucka I ever dated. I'm not sure if this is that innocent looking thing I was talking about, or because I don't live in the projects, or because I know how to spell and use a computer? I'm not sure. I don't even know if the coincidence seems that odd after totally considering it, but honestly, none of them have ever fully acknowledged my past to be as credible as their own. And even more often, when I try to explain to them that I'm not as naive as they believe I am, I come across a lot like one of those stupid rich blonde girls who throws around the word nigga when nobody is around. I dislike those kinda girls who act hood and have never done any real dirt for this reason. You are fucking up my swag.
I have done the most fucked up things that I've done because of the men I was with, and yet, every man I've been with, has thought of me as relatively naive. It's a gift and a curse. They tend not to put me on their level, which is frustrating at times, but it's also helpful sometimes for people to think you are naive and innocent, however, that's usually only if you plan to run game on them... and I don't run game on bad ass muthafuckas I've been with... unless they truly deserve it.
I respect the same values every hood-respected thug does, because I've dated enough of them to consider myself partly raised with/by them. Loyalty is a major thing for me, as is respect. This is why I don't treat the men I'm with like dogs, but after all this time, don't understand why they treat their women that way. That's the hood double standard. To be a respectable woman, you are loyal to your man, you don't ask too many questions & you ride for him. To be a respectable man, you have many women, and none of them know too much... and you always call the shots.
After leaving the bad girl lifestyle alone for awhile, I also incorporated integrity and responsibility into my values. The major negative trait I inherited by living this way as a kid that I have left and cannot seem to shake is... "eye for an eye." It is not a positive thing to live by, but has been embedded so deeply in me, I find myself automatically checking into an "eye for an eye" defensive plan whenever I feel disrespected. Black people would consider it "bringing out the nigga in a nigga"... and I fully understand that statement... but in my case it would be like bringing out the bad girl in a bad girl. It's a pride thing, and I hope every day that I leave my house that my pride doesn't become the end of me, for my son's sake... because it is more automatic than anyone without a similar upbringing would realize.
Mainly, the point of this blog was to acknowledge the reasons I date men like this, and the pros and cons of it. The cons clearly outweigh the pros, i.e. they get me into trouble, they don't consider me on their level, they are not loyal, etc... (pros are they understand me & are REALLY passionate lovers) but I cannot help who I am attracted to... at least, I don't think I can?
It's been fun though, and I've gained a lot of experience and wisdom from it, so I don't regret one second. I still loves me some bad boys... but I think moreso now I prefer the reformed bad boy who has more positively incorporated himself into society. No pimps, no hustlers these days... just the guy who can relate, and still holds on to some of the traits as I do... but also has a job and doesn't do dirt as his main source of income. Maybe someday I'll find a guy as down to ride for me as I am for him, maybe not... but the trip to him is never a dull moment.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
My Spring 2011 Lookbook #1: Feminine Biker Chic
Needs:
Black leather pants & heels, Zippers, Metal Jewelry, Sequin Bat-Sleeve Top, Pink Lace Halter, Pink Stone Wash Jeans, Pearl Necklace, Gray Suede Shoes, Chains, Yellow-tinted Jean Shorts, Pink, Gray & Nude Floral accents, Nude corset
Thursday, February 24, 2011
ISO PSO (Phone Sex Operator)
A few days ago, I put a resume on Craigslist in search of a part-time assistant position. The responses I got in return were fairly standard, a few Nigerian check scams and some office positions that don't pay much, and are too far away to be reasonable. Among these unsatisfying offers, I received this statement in an E-Mail:
Naturally, I thought... Is this chick really that stupid? WTF is up with her punctuation? Maybe she's foreign? Wait, $23 per hour? From home? Using THEIR cells? Weekly pay? And all I have to do is say some inappropriate things to men who call in? Well, jeez, I'm 28 years old... I do that anyway... its called sarcasm and casual dating. I'm pretty sure I could drop the snide tone I usually use, and make it sound believable. I replied:
Almost immediately she replied:
Really? No escorts or hookers? You don't say... imagine that! Of course, I retained my sarcasm, for now. So, it seems, this was apparently a real opportunity after all. Now, my interest was piqued. But wait, then, I was asked to take a "45 minute test" with her husband Tommy. 45 MINUTES? Wow. Does that seem excessive to anyone else? I asked her to verify that her company was a legitimate business before taking "an explicit 45 minute test with a man who approached me via E-MAIL." I assumed, naturally, that she would understand my doubts. She said she would get back to me with her company's physical address so I could come check out the office sometime during mid-day Sunday, if the position was still available by then. It sounded fairly suspicious to me, so I decided to research other avenues while I waited.
By far her company was offering the most money, which does not help my doubts against them. When something sounds too good to be true it usually is... especially on the Internet. I'm nearly convinced it was just some dirty old man wanting to talk dirty to me for free. I guess we will wait and see on Sunday. In the mean time, I decided this would be something worth looking into further. I found out there are not just opportunities to be phone sex operators from home, or web cam models, but you can solely text and get paid for it. That sounded even more interesting to me, because it not only involves dirty texts, but also clean texts.
Here is how it works:
Basically, lonely horny men in the UK will text a number at night thinking its a local girl on her phone, and it will route to me on the other side of the planet, sitting in my pajamas bright in early in the morning, typing in a chat box on my computer as I watch Nick Jr. with my son. I can get paid between .07 and .20 cents per text that I send. You know I applied for that shit. Why wouldn't I? I'm home all day anyway, usually. I could just keep a chat box open while I do other things. I will keep you updated on the progress of that venture, as well as the suspicious phone sex operator position.
In all honesty, after I had actually considered it, I think I'd dig being a PSO for a few months. The experience could COME IN HAND. Apparently, it is still a HUGE THING... and it SOUNDS EASY. I think I'm smooth enough to SLIDE IN & OUT of the industry and just DO IT FOR A LIL WHILE. Those HORNY men will GET JACKED FOR THEIR MONEY, that's for sure.
Of course, I would never explicitly role play on the phone at home while my son is present. I'm not even sure something like that would be legal. You could really mess up a kid like that. I think though, if the money is as good as it says it is, I'll just put him in a day care for a few hours while I make some extra dough. It'd be good for him to get out and be around kids anyway, just for a little while.
I can't wait to see how this pans out, and am actually excited about both of these new opportunities to gain unusual and beneficial life experience, and make supplemental income. If the PSO company turns out in fact to be a scam, I will look more into other companies offering POSITIONS THAT FEEL GOOD TO ME. I am about 95% sure I have decided try this out one way or another. I look forward to blogging all about my experience with being a PSO, and about the men I have phone relations with. I even have the ability to record calls if I'm using my own computer. The possibilities for personal gain and amusement are looking pretty much endless. What a good idea this was. Thanks to Jessica and Tommy for the inspiration. Now, all I have to do is officially get started.
good morning bonnie; we are currently hiring 3 more females for in-bound call positions,. no selling/gimmicks!. work 20 hours a week at $23.00 per hour+bonuses,. work from any of our 4 locations, or from home ,using our cells,. paid weekly, no hold back.we ae a 13 year old adult buisness, .we also need on-line females for chat , at $39.50 per hour.thank you ...jessica/h.r.
Naturally, I thought... Is this chick really that stupid? WTF is up with her punctuation? Maybe she's foreign? Wait, $23 per hour? From home? Using THEIR cells? Weekly pay? And all I have to do is say some inappropriate things to men who call in? Well, jeez, I'm 28 years old... I do that anyway... its called sarcasm and casual dating. I'm pretty sure I could drop the snide tone I usually use, and make it sound believable. I replied:
Hi Jessica,
That actually sounds interesting. What type of skills are you looking for with this position, and what is involved as an employee? Where are your locations I could work from? What are the hours?
Bonnie
Almost immediately she replied:
hello; and thanks for replying,. no skills, but we do not hire escorts,hookers, or anyone with experience,(no offense). but they cause problems,.we have 4 locations, phx.glendale,mesa.scottsdale,. you may work from 7;00a.m.-11;00p.m. az times,. monday-sat,. thanks jessica/h.r.
Really? No escorts or hookers? You don't say... imagine that! Of course, I retained my sarcasm, for now. So, it seems, this was apparently a real opportunity after all. Now, my interest was piqued. But wait, then, I was asked to take a "45 minute test" with her husband Tommy. 45 MINUTES? Wow. Does that seem excessive to anyone else? I asked her to verify that her company was a legitimate business before taking "an explicit 45 minute test with a man who approached me via E-MAIL." I assumed, naturally, that she would understand my doubts. She said she would get back to me with her company's physical address so I could come check out the office sometime during mid-day Sunday, if the position was still available by then. It sounded fairly suspicious to me, so I decided to research other avenues while I waited.
By far her company was offering the most money, which does not help my doubts against them. When something sounds too good to be true it usually is... especially on the Internet. I'm nearly convinced it was just some dirty old man wanting to talk dirty to me for free. I guess we will wait and see on Sunday. In the mean time, I decided this would be something worth looking into further. I found out there are not just opportunities to be phone sex operators from home, or web cam models, but you can solely text and get paid for it. That sounded even more interesting to me, because it not only involves dirty texts, but also clean texts.
Here is how it works:
Basically, lonely horny men in the UK will text a number at night thinking its a local girl on her phone, and it will route to me on the other side of the planet, sitting in my pajamas bright in early in the morning, typing in a chat box on my computer as I watch Nick Jr. with my son. I can get paid between .07 and .20 cents per text that I send. You know I applied for that shit. Why wouldn't I? I'm home all day anyway, usually. I could just keep a chat box open while I do other things. I will keep you updated on the progress of that venture, as well as the suspicious phone sex operator position.
In all honesty, after I had actually considered it, I think I'd dig being a PSO for a few months. The experience could COME IN HAND. Apparently, it is still a HUGE THING... and it SOUNDS EASY. I think I'm smooth enough to SLIDE IN & OUT of the industry and just DO IT FOR A LIL WHILE. Those HORNY men will GET JACKED FOR THEIR MONEY, that's for sure.
Of course, I would never explicitly role play on the phone at home while my son is present. I'm not even sure something like that would be legal. You could really mess up a kid like that. I think though, if the money is as good as it says it is, I'll just put him in a day care for a few hours while I make some extra dough. It'd be good for him to get out and be around kids anyway, just for a little while.
I can't wait to see how this pans out, and am actually excited about both of these new opportunities to gain unusual and beneficial life experience, and make supplemental income. If the PSO company turns out in fact to be a scam, I will look more into other companies offering POSITIONS THAT FEEL GOOD TO ME. I am about 95% sure I have decided try this out one way or another. I look forward to blogging all about my experience with being a PSO, and about the men I have phone relations with. I even have the ability to record calls if I'm using my own computer. The possibilities for personal gain and amusement are looking pretty much endless. What a good idea this was. Thanks to Jessica and Tommy for the inspiration. Now, all I have to do is officially get started.
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